Where Did I Leave My Passion?

I’m someone who is very passionate. I get into what I want to do and I go hardcore into it.

But lately…I’ve been going through the whole issue of self-identity and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I’ve been questioning myself and what I would actually be good at. I thought I would be a teacher. Turns out, teaching has a lot of politics. I’m not able to keep my mouth shut when I feel something is unjust (whether this is something I perceive or is actually there). Plus, I really can’t get behind being told what to teach. It’s as simple as that, I want to teach what I want to teach, not what the “man” wants me to teach.

So I decided to combine two of my passions…teaching and psychology. I went into the field of ABA used for treating autism. GREAT!

But I have the naysayers there as well. People telling me I can’t work in the field because I talk too much, because I don’t know what it’s like to have autism as I have never been a parent…people telling me I can’t because I have a disability (and no, it’s not a matter of the ADA. It’s a matter of myself learning how to handle my ADHD).

I’m clearly for “fighting the man.” I’m going to defy what others say to me just to defy. Please go ahead and call me ODD.

At the end of the day, I have to think of what is best for the children to whom my services are benefiting…or not. That’s where the passion is, that’s where I work to better the lives of others. In this case, I have to better my life as well though. I can’t change some parts of myself though. I don’t want to, I don’t want to lose those emotions!

I don’t want to lose that PART of my morals. So what do I do? Do I just change my path, find a career of which I am not truly happy as I am not helping the lives of others, but I still am able to work in my passions? Do I change who I am, change how I love helping others?

I don’t. I keep in the field, I hope that someone will accept my flaws and help me to make those flaws my strongest areas. I hope I am doing the right thing for the children I serve. And I work on.

But how is this a matter of a lost passion? How am I to say I am wondering where I left my passion? Well, it is simply because I don’t know if I’m in the right field, and I don’t know if this is what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know if this passion is really a passion, or just a trend, a phase. And that right there makes me question who I am and what the hell am I doing with my sad, sad life.

Why should I follow my passion when I could do something I may actually have a nature calling for? And what is my nature calling?

Who am I?