A Little, Blue Pill

What is ADHD to me?

ADHD is a blessing yet also a curse. It has good and bad. And ADHD is different for everyone. I can only allude to some of the traits, I can’t explain what it is for someone who isn’t like me. ADHD. I remember when I was first told I had this when I was eight. My parents sat me down, explaining I wasn’t like the other kids, but I wasn’t very different from the other kids either. I felt alienated and confused. Sally had ADHD, she was liked by the classmates, they didn’t pick on her. Why was I getting beaten up daily? What was so different from me? ADHD isn’t the same in every child or adult. I get upset with one of my best friends who also has ADHD because she is so different from me…at first I thought she was making it all up. She wasn’t. She is definitely ADHD.

So what is ADHD to me?

It’s a small, blue pill. It’s a small blue pill with so many senses, so many flavors…what makes me different.

It’s the pill I had to swallow before lunch which really alienated me from my peers. I was sick. I was different.

But I am me.

I am the girl who puked at her first college party because of the smell of weed. I am the girl who should have been a drug dog because of how strong I can smell it.

I am the girl who couldn’t go into a grocery store because the shelves were an overload, the people darting was just too much.

I am the girl who was so smart, creepy smart, scary smart, yet wasn’t able to control what flew out of her mouth.

I am the girl who was so smart yet didn’t get why people thought she was strange.

I am the girl…the fighter, the angry one…

The girl you know is a sweetie yet…she did that?

ADHD makes my mouth move without any control from my brain. It makes me worry until I am sick. It makes me moody, and quick to react. ADHD makes it so I can sit on a couch all day without noticing time, yet if I am bored, time will stop. ADHD makes it so I can focus on one thing and finish it perfectly, yet…if I can’t do it perfectly, I will just give up. ADHD makes it so something which takes too long becomes rushed or I just don’t finish. But with that little, blue pill. It sometimes gets easier, to the point where you can feel normal…then you remember you aren’t.

Foolish mistakes. Misunderstood intentions. Feeling dumb. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like the world would be better without you.

Then it happens. Something just clicks and it all becomes easy, it all makes sense. The world screams forward, running, you are flying, you are so successful…then something cracks in you, and you sabotage yourself. You fall, crying, failing, misery. And you’re back to feeling…dumb. Alone. Failure. With just you and your little, blue pill.

ADHD is a little, blue pill.

“Just take this Sadie, so you can focus and sit still.”

It hurts though. How does it physically hurt to sit still? The world isn’t making sense, I can’t understand…I can’t learn. I need movement. I need to bounce. I need to pick. I need…

A little, blue pill.

“Look how tiny Sadie is!”

My growth was stunted because of my ADHD. I don’t eat because of my ADHD. I don’t sleep. I don’t think.

One more little, blue pill. One more, for the rest of your life.


Why 90’s Kids Were Shafted When It Came to Preventing Bullying

Imagine this. A 6 year old trying to kill herself by a razor she found on the ground. Why is this happening? Because the 6 year old feels so alone. Now imagine a bystander having enough sense to grab a teacher before the 8 year old does any damage. Imagine the teacher grabbing the razor. Imagine the teacher telling the principal for the principal to just wave it away, not wanting a lawsuit. Imagine the 6 year old feeling alone for years to come.

Imagine this was preventable.

Imagine an 8 year old playing with snow on the basketball court. Imagine some kids making balls of ice and throwing them at the girl, while others looked on in horror. Imagine the teachers finally walking over after socializing under the hood of the warm school building. Imagine their faces when they see the blood. Imagine the 8 year old in the hospital, a broken scapula and one mother ready for a lawsuit.

Imagine this was preventable.

Imagine being bullied every day. Imagine feeling like you will never be anything. Imagine the depression, daily gray. Imagine the years of nightmares. Imagine the social inadequacity you will feel for the rest of your life.

Imagine this was preventable.

Imagine the gapping hole you feel in your heart when your boyfriend…girlfriend…best friend…sister…brother tell you this happened to them.

Imagine Columbine was preventable.

Imagine if bullying was prevented before Columbine.

As per stopbullying.gov, 12 out of the 15 school shootings which occurred in the 90’s was due to bullying. Bullying was the buzzword for around 15 years after Columbine, but recently it’s been AUTISM*, ADHD, and TERRORISTS. Yes, bullying gets brought up still. It is NOT where it should be. However, it’s not where it once was.

Why did bullying become such an issue in the 1990’s? Why was I bullied? Why is it so common for people I know to be victims of bullying?

Bullying has been around for ages. And please don’t tell me that it’s because my generation couldn’t handle the bullying…other generations suffered the same. School shootings have been happening for years (http://www.k12academics.com/school-shootings/history-school-shootings-united-states#.VLSCiSvF-So) though the first ones to be offically recognized due to bullying were in the 1970’s. It just so happened my generation had the deadliest school shooting, which was when bullying became a major focus for the nation.

But students have committed bullycide before. I remember learning about cases from the 1960’s. It took a massacure to prevent bullying in schools? Why wasn’t this prevented beforehand? Prevention is key, it’s how we can make sure these situations don’t occur…ever. Yes, mistakes are going to be made, but if the bullying had been prevented…and it wasn’t uncommon to be bullied in the 90’s.

Why am I saying kids in the 90’s got shafted? Well, they got tortured by bullies for the first half of their lives, then got to watch the anti-bullying movement first try to rise up and fail…and then again, and again. I can say my recent exposures to the public and private school system have shown that bullying is far less common than it once was. It still happens however.

It shouldn’t take people dying for an issue to gain awareness. It shouldn’t take years of students being tortured. Tolerance needs to be created and acceptance needs to be taught…STILL! Even if someone has different views than you, they need to be accepted for what they believe. People shouldn’t have to feel like they have to change who they are to fit into society’s mold.

But here’s the age old question: How do you teach acceptance on a wide-scale basis?


*Just because I mention something as a buzzword does not mean I want it not to be one. I am so thankful autism is finally receiving the focus it needs to gain.