Where Did I Leave My Passion?

I’m someone who is very passionate. I get into what I want to do and I go hardcore into it.

But lately…I’ve been going through the whole issue of self-identity and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I’ve been questioning myself and what I would actually be good at. I thought I would be a teacher. Turns out, teaching has a lot of politics. I’m not able to keep my mouth shut when I feel something is unjust (whether this is something I perceive or is actually there). Plus, I really can’t get behind being told what to teach. It’s as simple as that, I want to teach what I want to teach, not what the “man” wants me to teach.

So I decided to combine two of my passions…teaching and psychology. I went into the field of ABA used for treating autism. GREAT!

But I have the naysayers there as well. People telling me I can’t work in the field because I talk too much, because I don’t know what it’s like to have autism as I have never been a parent…people telling me I can’t because I have a disability (and no, it’s not a matter of the ADA. It’s a matter of myself learning how to handle my ADHD).

I’m clearly for “fighting the man.” I’m going to defy what others say to me just to defy. Please go ahead and call me ODD.

At the end of the day, I have to think of what is best for the children to whom my services are benefiting…or not. That’s where the passion is, that’s where I work to better the lives of others. In this case, I have to better my life as well though. I can’t change some parts of myself though. I don’t want to, I don’t want to lose those emotions!

I don’t want to lose that PART of my morals. So what do I do? Do I just change my path, find a career of which I am not truly happy as I am not helping the lives of others, but I still am able to work in my passions? Do I change who I am, change how I love helping others?

I don’t. I keep in the field, I hope that someone will accept my flaws and help me to make those flaws my strongest areas. I hope I am doing the right thing for the children I serve. And I work on.

But how is this a matter of a lost passion? How am I to say I am wondering where I left my passion? Well, it is simply because I don’t know if I’m in the right field, and I don’t know if this is what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know if this passion is really a passion, or just a trend, a phase. And that right there makes me question who I am and what the hell am I doing with my sad, sad life.

Why should I follow my passion when I could do something I may actually have a nature calling for? And what is my nature calling?

Who am I?

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Book Review- Room

In this review I am looking at Room by Emma Donoghue. This review will have spoilers regarding the plotline.

This book is yet another book which is right up my alley in terms of talking about psychology. It tells the story of a young boy who is quite precocious in terms of some of his abilities…however Jack, the young boy, is also stuck within a room unbeknownst to him. Jack lives with his mother in this room, occasionally visited by the Old Man who brings them treats. As the reader continues with the story, the reader realizes Jack and his mother are forced to live within this room and Jack has never left the room before.

Finally, the mother has enough and helps Jack to escape from the room (in a most interesting manner). The book then transitions from Jack’s simple life to one of which Jack is exposed to different sorts of sensory he has never experienced before. The book gives an accurate view of what it is like to have a sort of sensory processing disorder. The book also clearly paints a picture of who Jack is and who he becomes while still keeping the eyes of a child. The book also talks about the struggles the mother faces with this situation.

I feel this book has a strong potential for being used as a sort of case study. Donoghue did her research with this story and created a fairly accurate presentation towards how a child would react when being exposed to a new world. I do wish the story had somehow given a firsthand view of what the mother was experiencing as well. It would be interesting to see her side of the story and to see her growth within the story from a firsthand perspective.

Overall, I recommend reading this book. I highly recommend it for people in the profession of childcare.

Eventually I will have a book review in which I discuss a book I didn’t enjoy.

Why I am a “Buddhist”

I’m not a very good one at all…a Buddhist that is. I often forget to keep my mouth shut, and I don’t eat vegan (or vegetarian), nor do I go with my sangha as much as I should…but I still call myself a Buddhist because I meditate and I follow Buddha’s word to the best of my ability.

I’ve never been into religion. I tried being a good little Christian, and I found myself questioning God constantly, even when I was a child. I’ve read both the Bible and the Koran and though I relate to it and I find it inspiring, I just feel like I was reading a fiction. I’m sorry to who that offends.

However, I do feel Jesus existed, and that he was a prophet. Do I think he was the Lord’s son? In my eyes, no he wasn’t. He said some words of wisdom, and lived his life. Is it bad people follow him with other beliefs? Not even close! Jesus is a great person to follow, I just found I wasn’t able too.

However, Buddha doesn’t act like a God. He, like Jesus, sprouted a bunch of wisdom, lived his life, then died. His wisdom just rings true to me. He was a prophet, much like Jesus (at least in my eyes). Though I’m not likely to pray directly to him as some may do towards Jesus, I do wonder about his ideas and use those to wander through my life. And what Buddha says about truth just clicks with me. It just makes sense.

That, my dear friends, is why I call myself a Buddhist. I’ll probably talk about some of his quotes at a later date. Though I will never be a monk, I still consider myself a Buddhist.

A Review- The Good Soldier

There may be spoilers contained within this review. I say may be as I do not view them as spoilers myself.

This book was written by Ford Madox Ford in 1915, and was recommended to me by a dear friend. Despite it’s confusing language and organization, I did enjoy it. I found it was very psychological in terms of emotions. I enjoyed this, and found myself creating a theory the main character (John) was a sociopathic murderer revealing his story in court while pretending to be elsewhere. I also wondered if John was in love with both Edward and with Leonora (at least, in love with her for a brief stint). These ideas are wonderful with Ford’s use of the unreliable narrator (however at times I felt I was an unreliable reader!).

The story has a lot of notes. I found reading a few in advance would help with the constant flipping back and forth. The plot is complicated yet simple. There are only around 6 characters in all which helped with following who was who. The plot is simply the story of two couples and their affairs…which there are a lot of affairs.

I do recommend this book however do not judge it by it’s size. It should take you a bit of time to read and then reread. It is great for someone who is interested in psychology as it gives a critical look at emotions. It is hard to get into at first so grit your teeth and read on!

What I Do When Times are Tough

Right now, I’d say times are tough. I’m unemployed, I have bills creaking up, and rent…it’s not just a financial issue though, it’s also a matter of pride. There’s nothing worse than sitting at home, applying for jobs you once thought you would never apply for again, waiting for a phone call which never happens….being over/under qualified for your dream position.

Oh, no. It does get worse. Getting a call for an interview which you can’t take because you’re not certified in teaching even though a week ago, you thought you were still going to get certified is the worse. The feeling of emptiness that you get in your stomach.

Moving on, I’m sure there is worse. I know there is worse to feel. Whatever you’re feeling though, I know it will pass. This too shall pass…

1. Know that it’s temporary, just like happiness is temporary. You’re not always going to be unemployed, you’ll find love one day, you will forgive him, whatever it may be. It will pass. You’ll be okay in the end…and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. Just stay strong.

2. Know that there is someone out there worse-off than you. And use this knowledge to help you, whether that be to help that person, or just to have the ability to gloat someone is having a worse day/week/month/year/decade than you.

3. Make sure you do what you need to do. When I’m really depressed, I need a day to just lie in bed. I don’t move, I don’t talk, I will cry, and I just think then I have to listen to music for a bit….or one song on repeat. And it’s usually depressing. If I don’t do that, then I’m not able to get the strength for number four.

4. Make three plans. One can be rubbish. One is for if things get even worse. and the last one is for what you really want to do/see happen.

5. Use the defense mechanism of humor, whatever humor that may be. I have a dry and twisted sense of humor, which goes without tact. It upsets a lot of people, but it makes me happy. And right then, my happiness is key. Obviously, you have to make sure you aren’t hurting others. Even if you have to go somewhere and talk to yourself to make yourself laugh make sure you do this.

6. While laughing, know it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel insane. Just don’t act on impulse because it can hurt the situation more. When you’re low, you have to really work to make sure you are thinking clearly. If you’re not, you need to find a way to do so. See 4.

7. Accept that reality is harsh and sometimes things are going to happen which hurt. People are going to die, breakup, you’re going to fail at times. Don’t cover your eyes from what is happening around you, as much as it hurts. Try to find the positive of it. It’s not easy, it’s not going to be fun, but sometimes there’s a positive. Know that there is always a positive of it being temporary. You may always be hurt, however it will be a managable hurt.

8. Find the positive and focus on it. Keep yourself positive. Make sure you have hope. There is always hope. It may not be what you think is the best, but you just got to hope for the best.

9. Exercise. Even if that exercise is going for a walk, doing crunchs, or dancing…keep yourself moving. Cleaning counts as well.

10. Know that you are valued. At the very least, I value you. And I love you, though I haven’t met you, I do. And I’m not the only one. This is a good time to look into religion. I usually go to Buddha, but whatever speaks to you. I’ve done the Christian route, the Islamic route…religion is perfect for this situation, whatever one it may be. You don’t have to be a Buddhist to learn about Buddha. I often ask myself…What Would Buddha Do?

Most importantly, just stay strong. I stay strong as a form of revenge against all those pitiable souls. A teacher once told my parents to lock me away in an institution and forget about me. Almost 18 years later, I friended her on Facebook. She accepted it on the same day of which I posted I had completed my Master’s program. Imagine her surprise that I did something with my life and I was now more educated than she was (I haven’t posted anything in terms of my certification).

Life’s not easy. Just stay strong.

Would I Want a Cure for Autism?

What do I think about curing autism? I don’t know what it’s like to have autism. I’ve researched what autism is like, however a Youtube film, no matter how true to real life it is, is just that. Take Carly Fleischmann’s Café Video for example. I have watched that video on repeat just so I can see. But when I go to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee, I may think about the video, but I’m not able to feel the frustration Carly feels every time she is faced with a situation similar to this…which, I assume, is every day. Do I think autism needs a cure?

There’s no simple answer to this. I have ADHD, and I’ve often wondered what my personality would be like if I didn’t have ADHD…who would I be? Would I still speak so honestly and without a care or would I be timid? If my ADHD was suddenly gone, how long would it be before my perspective on the world was changed into a view I originally didn’t like? If someone gave me a pill that totally cured my ADHD, would I take it?

I wouldn’t. It would change who I am. With that said, I would change the negative impacts my ADHD has…low impulse control, lack of social awareness, inability to focus, getting off topic…err..getting off topic! What I’m trying to say here is that I think autism should be treated in a similar manner of which areas of concern are pinpointed then focused upon. It’s a lifelong battle.

Now, ADHD is a bit different than autism in the sense that autism occurs at such a young age, and it can negatively impact communication skills so dramatically. In this scenario, I’m talking about nonverbal, low functioning autism, not Asperger’s. I’ll do a little bit about Asperger’s later on. However, with autism, early intervention is key…with whatever supportive therapy it is. In my ideal world, a child with autism would only be “cured” if that’s what they wanted. Unfortunately, that child is too young to communicate what they want and they don’t have enough life experience to formulate a valid opinion on this topic. So, it’s up to the parents in this case. And I know many parents want for their child to live a normal life.

I’ve worked with autism across the spectrum and across the ages. I will always remember the first time I really worked with people with autism. I was working with adults in a group home setting. I became very attached to the people (being green in the field) and that was when I began to wonder…who would this person be without autism? And, to be completely honest, it wasn’t just me…it was my coworkers as well. And this wasn’t just the first place I worked, it wasn’t just the last place, it was every place. For this next example, I am going to use completely fictitious people.

Mary is serious and quiet. She’s also severely autistic. She occasionally is aggressive but she puts her family first and her love of books (there’s debates on if she is really reading or not) also first. If Mary was cured, she’d still be serious and quiet, but she wouldn’t hide away in her room all day. She’d be able to read without anyone questioning her ability. She’d be a teacher.

Miles is social, giving hugs and shaking hands. Miles does get frustrated as he can’t talk though and gets very aggressive. Miles chews on things all the time. Shirts, chewies, anything he can put in his mouth. If Miles was cured, he’d be a businessman, a baseball player, a baseball coach, and a beer-loving father. He’d sell cars.

Well, Mary and Miles only exist in my mind, and they don’t face any chances of becoming cured, but you become attached to the people you work with, there’s no changing that. A few years in the career and you learn professionalism, however you still wonder. But working with regular children also makes you wonder what they’d be like with autism as well (I’ve never talked about this one, I’ve just wondered). And that goes into the debate…how much of it is autism and how much of it is personality?

I’m leaning more towards autism doesn’t change personality. Yes, the person isn’t going to be exactly the same due to their upcoming (nature vs nurture), but autism doesn’t define the person as a whole. If my theory of autism not being correlated with personality is true, then yes, I would like to see a cure for autism.

Why 90’s Kids Were Shafted When It Came to Preventing Bullying

Imagine this. A 6 year old trying to kill herself by a razor she found on the ground. Why is this happening? Because the 6 year old feels so alone. Now imagine a bystander having enough sense to grab a teacher before the 8 year old does any damage. Imagine the teacher grabbing the razor. Imagine the teacher telling the principal for the principal to just wave it away, not wanting a lawsuit. Imagine the 6 year old feeling alone for years to come.

Imagine this was preventable.

Imagine an 8 year old playing with snow on the basketball court. Imagine some kids making balls of ice and throwing them at the girl, while others looked on in horror. Imagine the teachers finally walking over after socializing under the hood of the warm school building. Imagine their faces when they see the blood. Imagine the 8 year old in the hospital, a broken scapula and one mother ready for a lawsuit.

Imagine this was preventable.

Imagine being bullied every day. Imagine feeling like you will never be anything. Imagine the depression, daily gray. Imagine the years of nightmares. Imagine the social inadequacity you will feel for the rest of your life.

Imagine this was preventable.

Imagine the gapping hole you feel in your heart when your boyfriend…girlfriend…best friend…sister…brother tell you this happened to them.

Imagine Columbine was preventable.

Imagine if bullying was prevented before Columbine.

As per stopbullying.gov, 12 out of the 15 school shootings which occurred in the 90’s was due to bullying. Bullying was the buzzword for around 15 years after Columbine, but recently it’s been AUTISM*, ADHD, and TERRORISTS. Yes, bullying gets brought up still. It is NOT where it should be. However, it’s not where it once was.

Why did bullying become such an issue in the 1990’s? Why was I bullied? Why is it so common for people I know to be victims of bullying?

Bullying has been around for ages. And please don’t tell me that it’s because my generation couldn’t handle the bullying…other generations suffered the same. School shootings have been happening for years (http://www.k12academics.com/school-shootings/history-school-shootings-united-states#.VLSCiSvF-So) though the first ones to be offically recognized due to bullying were in the 1970’s. It just so happened my generation had the deadliest school shooting, which was when bullying became a major focus for the nation.

But students have committed bullycide before. I remember learning about cases from the 1960’s. It took a massacure to prevent bullying in schools? Why wasn’t this prevented beforehand? Prevention is key, it’s how we can make sure these situations don’t occur…ever. Yes, mistakes are going to be made, but if the bullying had been prevented…and it wasn’t uncommon to be bullied in the 90’s.

Why am I saying kids in the 90’s got shafted? Well, they got tortured by bullies for the first half of their lives, then got to watch the anti-bullying movement first try to rise up and fail…and then again, and again. I can say my recent exposures to the public and private school system have shown that bullying is far less common than it once was. It still happens however.

It shouldn’t take people dying for an issue to gain awareness. It shouldn’t take years of students being tortured. Tolerance needs to be created and acceptance needs to be taught…STILL! Even if someone has different views than you, they need to be accepted for what they believe. People shouldn’t have to feel like they have to change who they are to fit into society’s mold.

But here’s the age old question: How do you teach acceptance on a wide-scale basis?

 

*Just because I mention something as a buzzword does not mean I want it not to be one. I am so thankful autism is finally receiving the focus it needs to gain.

sadienoelle

My real name isn’t Sadie Noelle but what I talk about are my real opinions and real stories. Details have been changed in order to prevent anyone from gaining access to who I really am because honestly I don’t want people knowing who the real me is at this moment. I’m afraid it may hurt me later on.

So this blog is a life story in a way. Oh cool, another life story? Why would you waste your and others time writing about your life? Why is your life so different from everyone else? And how do we know if this really happened if you’re anonymous?

Well, yes, another life story, and at the end it’s not a waste to me because I use it to grow. I’m hoping it helps others who find themselves in situations like me. I don’t know if my life is different from anyone else. And I’m not sure how you’d know if this is true or not. That’s not my deal. I know this is coming from a valid source.

So who would want to read about this blog? Well, I’d be covering a wide area of different stories from different points. I have ADHD. I’m not going to focus on just one topic. Some days I might talk about ADHD, some days I might talk about my life, some days I may be reviewing a topic, some days I might be answering random questions, and some days I might just not talk about anything. So who would want to follow this blog? Well, I guess it is just up to you. You might just stumble upon it one day, or you might be a diligent follower.

So who is Sadie Noelle? Well, the name is just something which flew across me. Here are some facts about me (some have been slightly modified). I live in Southern New England with my cat (of course) and boyfriend. I am around 23 years old, and I have both a Bachelor’s degree and a Master’s degree…I’ll get into that later. I work in the field of ABA with children with autism, and I also dabble in human services. I am white and I grew up in a white town in Western Massachusetts. I have ADHD along with PTSD and depression, again something for a later time. I’m a fan of Buddha. That’s who I am, and I guess that’s who Sadie is as well.

What does Sadie look like? Well, she looks like me. She has long auburn brown hair, and brown eyes. She’s not skinny, but not really fat either. Sadie is just average looking. It’s the same with me. People are constantly asking if I am related to this or that person, or claiming they saw me out somewhere. They didn’t.

What is Sadie’s personality? That’s for you to find out. I could say it, but it might change.

So that’s my background.