A Little, Blue Pill

What is ADHD to me?

ADHD is a blessing yet also a curse. It has good and bad. And ADHD is different for everyone. I can only allude to some of the traits, I can’t explain what it is for someone who isn’t like me. ADHD. I remember when I was first told I had this when I was eight. My parents sat me down, explaining I wasn’t like the other kids, but I wasn’t very different from the other kids either. I felt alienated and confused. Sally had ADHD, she was liked by the classmates, they didn’t pick on her. Why was I getting beaten up daily? What was so different from me? ADHD isn’t the same in every child or adult. I get upset with one of my best friends who also has ADHD because she is so different from me…at first I thought she was making it all up. She wasn’t. She is definitely ADHD.

So what is ADHD to me?

It’s a small, blue pill. It’s a small blue pill with so many senses, so many flavors…what makes me different.

It’s the pill I had to swallow before lunch which really alienated me from my peers. I was sick. I was different.

But I am me.

I am the girl who puked at her first college party because of the smell of weed. I am the girl who should have been a drug dog because of how strong I can smell it.

I am the girl who couldn’t go into a grocery store because the shelves were an overload, the people darting was just too much.

I am the girl who was so smart, creepy smart, scary smart, yet wasn’t able to control what flew out of her mouth.

I am the girl who was so smart yet didn’t get why people thought she was strange.

I am the girl…the fighter, the angry one…

The girl you know is a sweetie yet…she did that?

ADHD makes my mouth move without any control from my brain. It makes me worry until I am sick. It makes me moody, and quick to react. ADHD makes it so I can sit on a couch all day without noticing time, yet if I am bored, time will stop. ADHD makes it so I can focus on one thing and finish it perfectly, yet…if I can’t do it perfectly, I will just give up. ADHD makes it so something which takes too long becomes rushed or I just don’t finish. But with that little, blue pill. It sometimes gets easier, to the point where you can feel normal…then you remember you aren’t.

Foolish mistakes. Misunderstood intentions. Feeling dumb. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like the world would be better without you.

Then it happens. Something just clicks and it all becomes easy, it all makes sense. The world screams forward, running, you are flying, you are so successful…then something cracks in you, and you sabotage yourself. You fall, crying, failing, misery. And you’re back to feeling…dumb. Alone. Failure. With just you and your little, blue pill.

ADHD is a little, blue pill.

“Just take this Sadie, so you can focus and sit still.”

It hurts though. How does it physically hurt to sit still? The world isn’t making sense, I can’t understand…I can’t learn. I need movement. I need to bounce. I need to pick. I need…

A little, blue pill.

“Look how tiny Sadie is!”

My growth was stunted because of my ADHD. I don’t eat because of my ADHD. I don’t sleep. I don’t think.

One more little, blue pill. One more, for the rest of your life.

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